My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize