I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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