I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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