he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
