she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
