yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
