A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
