Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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