I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
