I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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