you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
They are going to name an STD after you.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
