The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize