Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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