im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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