shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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