i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
