You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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