this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
