I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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