Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
