You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
