Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
