the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
