the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
how drunk are you?
Several
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
