I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
