Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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