areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
