I am puke
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
