i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
false alarm. still invincible.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
