i think my mom watched the whole time
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Boobs speak an international language.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
