I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
