some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
