I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
