take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
