so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
