You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
