You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
