I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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