a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize