overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
