So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
