I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
