i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
