I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize