Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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