why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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