sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
