I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize