I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We need to get me chipped asap
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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