She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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