areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
