I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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