What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
