Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
