I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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