he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
