We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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