i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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