my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
