the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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