When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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