Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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