I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
