I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
we're so committed to being not committed
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
