I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
