I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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