I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
