im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
